I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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