Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
