I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
