community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
