I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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