last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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