every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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