he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
