Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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