If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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