Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
