Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
