remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
im having a threesome with these popsicles
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
