The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
