I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
