thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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