At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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