you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Randomize
