So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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