Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
