the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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