i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
