Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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