dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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