girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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