just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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