I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
