He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
