dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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