Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
