Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
if only i could text you this smell
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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