Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
