Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
