I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
We left the knife in your bed.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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