I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
