There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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