I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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