Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
