Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
