Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
