Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
