areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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