We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
