I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
