did you get engaged???
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
