There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
