Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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