There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
