Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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