hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
