I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
