when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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