I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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