I could have mohawked her pubes.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
